The Trouble with Trust

I don’t think I realized I had such trouble trusting people. I mean, if you’d asked me, I would’ve come back with my usual response, ” Trust has to be earned”, or my other favorite, “Trust, then verify”. Well, those types of responses aren’t very reassuring or positive indicators of my mindset on the subject.

This issue has, as I realize now, been kept at arm’s length by my own arm- and I have chosen to be blind to it . No friends that I hold very close? “Oh, I don’t have time to commit to real friends- that you hang out with, I mean- I have my family.” That may be partially true, but the deeper truth has been that I only let very few and select people get close, and I watch them very closely, too. Why?

Why is a great question. I could tell you that everyone I’ve ever cared about and who was supposed to be there for me has either utterly betrayed me, deserted me, or turned out to not be nearly as great as they pretended to be at first. True, we are all human , all make mistakes. Also true that I believe that living in true forgiveness – as a lifestyle- is the only way to find true peace in life.

There are a few core people who never hurt me enough for me to run from for long. My mother is one. My sisters would be the others.

There are probably others that would be true and honest friends and companions. I have no doubt that my husband is one of them. Knowing this, however, doesn’t mean that I am able to trust him 100%, 100% of the time, with every aspect of my life. It’s not his fault, though. I’m not sure I can do that with anyone. It never leaves my mind that everyone is capable of being an angel or a demon. It never crosses my mind that anyone is above suspicion, except for people I haven’t gotten to know well enough yet. I can keep believing in them until the inevitable facade crumbles. I believe there are some people with incorruptible character, and keep hoping I have found them…but…

I am not sure what the answer is, but I believe it starts with choice. Like love, perhaps trusting is a choice requiring faith, and love.

I pray I find the strength inside to choose to trust more people, more deeply.

Any thoughts?

Advertisements

Trust and Love

This week it has been a struggle to believe that the people in my life who always act and behave as though they love me really do. I get this little voice in my head. It’s paranoid, insecure, and distrustful. I hate it. It’s the part of me that comes out to play during PMS week, under stress, and when I feel scared. No true evidence exists, and never does. Paranoia never needs evidence. Such is it’s nature. This passes, my mood will elevate, then something will set it off again. It compounds and escalates. If I am already brewing on some imaginary evils aimed toward me, believing ‘supporting’ ‘facts’ only deepens my conviction that there is indeed secret thoughts and feelings toward me which are negative. I start believing that I am not loved, wanted or needed. I hate this. It’s not about strangers and governmental conspiracy theories. It’s always about those closest to me. I don’t know why this happens, and I don’t know what to do about it, other than to continually fight these wrong, negative lies that my own insecure mind shoots up like stinking, thorny weeds. In my heart, you see, I know that I am loved. But the more I let these negative thoughts intrude, the more that could truly become more real. How comfortable can it be to live with me if I continually question the feelings and intentions of those who do truly love me and who I love? It must be hurtful. Combined with these feelings are the inherent traits of Scorpio jealousy and possessiveness- more insecure and unbecoming qualities. So I suffer with these things, and try not to make anyone else suffer. Meanwhile, I am lonely. I’ve never felt so ‘not a mom’ anymore. My kids have grown, and I miss them so much. Does anyone else relate to any of this? What do you think?