I don’t think I realized I had such trouble trusting people. I mean, if you’d asked me, I would’ve come back with my usual response, ” Trust has to be earned”, or my other favorite, “Trust, then verify”. Well, those types of responses aren’t very reassuring or positive indicators of my mindset on the subject.
This issue has, as I realize now, been kept at arm’s length by my own arm- and I have chosen to be blind to it . No friends that I hold very close? “Oh, I don’t have time to commit to real friends- that you hang out with, I mean- I have my family.” That may be partially true, but the deeper truth has been that I only let very few and select people get close, and I watch them very closely, too. Why?
Why is a great question. I could tell you that everyone I’ve ever cared about and who was supposed to be there for me has either utterly betrayed me, deserted me, or turned out to not be nearly as great as they pretended to be at first. True, we are all human , all make mistakes. Also true that I believe that living in true forgiveness – as a lifestyle- is the only way to find true peace in life.
There are a few core people who never hurt me enough for me to run from for long. My mother is one. My sisters would be the others.
There are probably others that would be true and honest friends and companions. I have no doubt that my husband is one of them. Knowing this, however, doesn’t mean that I am able to trust him 100%, 100% of the time, with every aspect of my life. It’s not his fault, though. I’m not sure I can do that with anyone. It never leaves my mind that everyone is capable of being an angel or a demon. It never crosses my mind that anyone is above suspicion, except for people I haven’t gotten to know well enough yet. I can keep believing in them until the inevitable facade crumbles. I believe there are some people with incorruptible character, and keep hoping I have found them…but…
I am not sure what the answer is, but I believe it starts with choice. Like love, perhaps trusting is a choice requiring faith, and love.
I pray I find the strength inside to choose to trust more people, more deeply.