If Your Ex-boyfriend from 1987 Turns out to be a Convicted Sex Offender…

You might not want to talk about it. I mean, kind of embarrassing. Now, the world will know how messed up you were, that you could have been involved with a man twice your age. You might have to come to terms with the fact that you were so numb that you didn’t even recognize that you were a victim, as well.

Because, what kind of 30-year-old man moves a sixteen-year old into his mom’s house to shack-up? What sort of foolish girl would move in with him?

I did. During the lowest period of my lost years, I followed after  anyone who gave even a glimmer of hope that I was wanted. I guess it didn’t matter to me what I was wanted for, exactly. It took me three years of living with this guy before I woke up and grew up enough to escape.

Many years later, just on a whim, I decided to see what he was up to, and his mug shot immediately popped up online with all his arrest records. It was pretty sickening. Even into his late fifties, he was trying to seduce teen girls, in his slimy little way.

Until that moment, I simply blamed myself for being with him. It was my choice, and while a very stupid one, it hadn’t really dawned on me what a sleazy scumbag he was. It hadn’t occurred to me that this person took total advantage of my broken soul for his own amusement and use. And I let it happen.

The whole thing leaves an aftertaste of bile on my lips. I thank God for rescuing me from that life, and that place. It’s a wonder I survived. But God has a way of taking the ugly parts of our lives and transforming us through those things into people of greater strength and compassion, perhaps even of more wisdom.

I forgive him now. I forgive my young self, so lost and lonely, so rebellious and angry.

Sometimes you have to get completely emptied of yourself to realize you need to be filled with something better.


The Addictive Personality Remains Addictive – Even Without “Drugs”.

The addictive personality may kick the alcohol, the heroin, even the need to compulsively spend- but deep inside, there may still be a dormant addict. To what? If there are no drugs, alcohol, the incessant need to gamble, masturbate to porn, overspend, scratch lottery tickets, then- what? Where is the problem?

The addictive personality is doomed to exhibit addictive tendencies toward any number of things, people, but most of all- experiences- that otherwise ‘normal, healthy’ personalities respond to quite differently. The addict may do a good job in hiding the addictive tendencies, but the underlying problem lie in the addict’s inability to consistently apply a very important understanding to every undertaking of life; which is:

The ultimate fulfillment in life comes not from feeling and doing, but rather from knowing and being.

This basic misunderstanding leads to a person jumping from one project to the next, one job to the next, partner, place, educational goals, etc. Why? The experience gives the rush. Call it ‘stimulation addiction’. Similar to an adrenalin junkie’s need to feel the physical rush of the extreme, the stimulation junkie just has a hard time in general with downtime. Unlike a person who simply likes to stay busy and get some work done, or even the restless soul who can’t seem to sit still, the addictive personality is looking for something that they can’t ever quite define, or find. Ironically, they seem to ‘find’ it all the time. But once the rush of the newness wears off, they are often left feeling down. The new job just wasn’t what they thought it would be. The new car is starting to squeak and rattle, and the studies in architecture are boring. The new relationship collapsed under the strain of not thrill-seeking, but perhaps drama-seeking and neediness on the part of the addictive personality.

A 12-step program of support might always be a necessity for the recovered substance abuser, and it makes sense for those who have long ago given up one vice, (alcoholism , for example) to become a chain-smoker, then give that up but now are binge-eating, who finally stopped that but now can be found gambling five nights a week. Maybe they are involved with more than one addiction at a time, but since they are not ‘intoxicated’, and are completely ‘functional’, they don’t see themselves as addicts, and most others would not either. Chances are the addictive personality keeps people at just enough distance to keep criticism at bay. Honesty with oneself becomes more and more elusive, and difficult.

It is only when we can learn to truly have ‘fun’ without drinking, smoking, gambling, overeating, etc…when we can be at peace without having to be ‘doing’ something, no matter how industrious it may seem…when we can just relax, and be in the moment, knowing that in that moment, we have everything we need, that we are OK, can we begin to approach living a life of peace and true happiness.

Prayer, or meditation are extremely helpful for this disorder, as are certain yoga techniques, counseling, and/or the 12-step program. It is necessary to recognize our demons in order to fight them. It is not enough to kick one demon out of our life to simply replace it on down the road with another- even if it seems ‘innocent’.  Sometimes fighting means learning to let go.

In case you are still confused as to the difference between an an addictive personality and a person who just has lots of goals and hobbies, consider this:

The addictive person is never satisfied for long with the thing they obtain.

The addictive personality has a hard time maintaining long-term healthy relationships. They usually begin with a huge rush of excitement, and when that fades, the person is left disillusioned and dissatisfied.

The addictive personality has a hard time being content. They do more than simply look for opportunities to advance at work, or dare to chase a dream. Instead, they are almost compelled to seek out the excitement of the experience, and have trouble communicating the ‘why’ of it all.

The addict may have one or several ‘minor’ addictions in their lives, and may give one up to take up another at any time.

The addictive types have a hard time just ‘being’. Being in the moment is hard, relaxing and ‘doing’ nothing for very long is very difficult, even if they are exhausted.

They seem compelled to move, change jobs, up-end everything with no understandable reason.

They rarely have true peace and contentment in life, because they are attempting to live in a feeling or experience-mode that cannot be realistically maintained for the long-term.

They haven’t learned to live out BEING and KNOWING over feeling and doing, even if they understand it to be true.

Relaxation is very difficult- it’s usually full-speed ahead or exhaustion. Some may sleep more than normal, because of enjoying the dream-state, or a way to escape reality for a while.

Now, all of this could be chalked up to conjecture; maybe just a combination of what I read, think, and have experienced or seen. I am certainly no mental health expert. But, I think I am on to something.

Sound like anyone YOU know? If so, what are your thoughts?