Trust and Love

This week it has been a struggle to believe that the people in my life who always act and behave as though they love me really do. I get this little voice in my head. It’s paranoid, insecure, and distrustful. I hate it. It’s the part of me that comes out to play during PMS week, under stress, and when I feel scared. No true evidence exists, and never does. Paranoia never needs evidence. Such is it’s nature. This passes, my mood will elevate, then something will set it off again. It compounds and escalates. If I am already brewing on some imaginary evils aimed toward me, believing ‘supporting’ ‘facts’ only deepens my conviction that there is indeed secret thoughts and feelings toward me which are negative. I start believing that I am not loved, wanted or needed. I hate this. It’s not about strangers and governmental conspiracy theories. It’s always about those closest to me. I don’t know why this happens, and I don’t know what to do about it, other than to continually fight these wrong, negative lies that my own insecure mind shoots up like stinking, thorny weeds. In my heart, you see, I know that I am loved. But the more I let these negative thoughts intrude, the more that could truly become more real. How comfortable can it be to live with me if I continually question the feelings and intentions of those who do truly love me and who I love? It must be hurtful. Combined with these feelings are the inherent traits of Scorpio jealousy and possessiveness- more insecure and unbecoming qualities. So I suffer with these things, and try not to make anyone else suffer. Meanwhile, I am lonely. I’ve never felt so ‘not a mom’ anymore. My kids have grown, and I miss them so much. Does anyone else relate to any of this? What do you think?


Depression, fatigue, or low thyroid?

My younger daughter has been fighting a lack of energy and motivation over the past couple of years. She has also suffered with serious depression and cutting. The cutting is something she has promised and vowed to never do again, and I know she means it, but we want to make sure she doesn’t slip back into it, ever. We cannot guarantee that she will not, but we choose to believe IN her.

Recently, after counseling, her psychologist recommended antidepressants- something we had thought about but had truly hoped not to have to turn to. They have a nasty reputation-especially among teens, for making matters worse.

However, her new medical doctor went ahead and prescribed my daughter Celexa. She had taken the first pill, and we were sitting at a Chinese restaurant when the doctor called and told us that the good news, compared to the news of depression, was that my daughter’s thyroid function was very low, and that we should stop the antidepressants until Synthroid had been prescribed and taken for a few weeks, etc. The first dose was low, and did not change anything for her, so this time we have a .75 mcg dose instead of .25 mcg, and so we will now begin tomorrow to see what results there will be.

I just want to encourage everyone who has symptoms of depression, but who has either never been officially diagnosed, or who believes they are depressed but don’t want to take antidepressants, to get your thyroid levels checked. It has been estimated that up to a third of people on antidepressants may be misdiagnosed with depression, and may not be seeing any good results from the antidepressants.  So, even if you have been diagnosed with depression, and are on antidepressants, but have never had your thyroid checked, please do.

Other symptoms of thyroid disorders can be found at Web MD, among other sites online. My daughter has some of the symptoms listed, but not any of them were too pronounced. She has areas of dry skin, but she is a teen, so she has the typical breakouts and oily skin, too- so hard to tell that anything was too strange, there. She does tend to fluctuate a lot in weight depending on the time of the month- an indicator of more than usual water retention. She has a sluggish metabolism and low energy, but these symptoms could have been and were chalked up to social awkwardness, depression, or lack of exercise. Thyroid testing only involves a blood test. So, if you know anyone that may benefit from this information, please pass it along.

I can only try to express to you the relief that there may be hope for my daughter to be a happier, more fulfilled person. The idea that her life may be turned around with a small little pill is amazing to me. I am very hopeful. My 17 year-old daughter is an amazing, funny, brilliant girl who is the sweetest person I know. She is compassionate and lovely, wonderful and insightful.  I only wish we had pursued these avenues sooner, instead of simply thinking she was going through teen angst, or suffering because of parent’s divorce, or moving around a lot. None of these things were easy on her, but were not enough to cause the extreme depression we were seeing.

We truly look forward to seeing our little sunshine SHINING again.  We hope that this post will help someone else.

Probably Won’t be Read.

Hello. I want you to try to understand what it’s like to hear someone you love in misery, and not know what to do to help. I want you to put yourself in the place of a parent, who’s job it is to try to help their child, solve the problem, make everything better. You ache and grieve when  your child, however old, is hurting. You would do anything. Sometimes, it may seem that I am not listening, but I am. If I seem too focused on solutions instead of only sympathy, I apologize.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, and I have not lived your life. It’s tempting, therefore, to think that I can’t understand, and cannot relate to what you’re going through. But what I feel is an anguished frustration. Love, moved to action- wants to bring healing.  If I could turn back time, and change things for you and smooth out your life, I would. Somehow, though, I don’t think that would solve everything.

If you think I don’t care, then you are not listening with your heart. You hear my words, but you don’t seem to know how I feel. You don’t know how much I worry, how many tears I’ve cried, how I hope against all your negativity and hopelessness, your apathy and pain. I hope to be able to bring you to someone who can help you and address your needs. In the end, though, it is you who has the hardest part to do. You simply have to decide you want things to change.

Don’t think I just jump into decisions about your life without thinking, or make choices for you without considering your thoughts and feelings. I also don’t believe that drugs are the answer- but they could be a great help.  They could make the difference in your life that will allow you to respond to counseling. So, sigh and chalk it all up to snap answers if you like, or that I don’t really care. That might be easier to believe. For whatever reason, maybe it’s easier for you to pretend I don’t care about your situation, than to take responsibility for some of it, and to move forward to get better.

My love for you is endless. Our connection began from the moment of your conception. As I carried you then, I long to carry you now, but there are limits to what I can do.  No matter what you choose to do in life, there are always those who will have something negative to say about it. If those people had any answers, perhaps they should offer them, or else remain quiet.