All the News That’s Fit to Blog

It’s actually been more like two weeks since I have written a blog. Call it distraction. Call it disillusionment. Call it busy!  One distraction is that annoying necessity called ‘work’. Returns at the customer service desk,  pretending I don’t fathom the very pricey batteries the junkie is  returning  were just pulled off the shelf  by him moments ago. Can I prove it? No. So we do the return. Pretending it doesn’t bother me that my co-worker has his service window shut- seemingly oblivious- while spending fifteen minutes on very important forms-update-acquisition while the customer line starts to snake out toward the quarter-mile mark, and people’s eyes are bugging out with rage and disbelief.

Another distraction has been the bridal fair and doing my first voiceover demos at voices.com. They were not so great, due to using my computer, a mic and the program,  “Audacity”. I need real studio tools and time, and luckily, I was able to arrange that at the bridal show, through a radio DJ who also does wedding gigs. I got a couple of good wedding leads there also, and the $150 I spent will be very rewarding on down the line. I haven’t had time to actually sort through all my contacts and follow up on leads, because of distraction # 1, but that’s the one paying the bills at the moment.

Disillusionment:  I guess I never should have watched Amy whats-her-name cook her way into fame and stardom on Julie/Julia and got these fancy, high-fallutin’ ideas that if I blogged it, “THEY WOULD COME”, because really- it’s not like that. I don’t have the special mix of talent and pluck, I suppose. Blogging is no longer new and I have no cutting edge ideas. I will work on that.

Busy:  Home life is always busy, but it’s my favorite form of busy. There’s always some Breaking  Bad to watch via Netflix, usually two episodes- and spending time with the family, which is always priceless. Then there’s sleep. It’s not very productive in the kinetic sense, but wow- so many wacky dreams to make great great short- stories out of!

Night before last, I dreamed that I almost hit a crosswalk full of nurses at the hospital because I was busy texting! They chewed me a new one, and rightfully so. I have vowed to stop texting and driving, again. No, seriously.

Last night, I dreamt of my ex. That’s always fun. In one dream, he was trying to drown me- I digress, that was long ago. This time, he was showing me his house, I guess. Everywhere were wrinkly clothes strewn everywhere and you had to toss them aside just to move through the rooms. I guess a tornado hit.

Low Carb Weekly Review: Keeping it at 132-133 lbs. Still aiming for 25g per day, and that seems quite do-able, just can’t get complacent. I have discovered that almond flour is very expensive and I need to find a better price! It’s like $9-11 dollars per the pound by Bob’s Red Mill. I have to find it cheaper, because I am longing to try some of the low-carb muffins and treats I have been finding online. Let’s also hear it  for Liquid Splenda. Where, oh where can it be?? Can’t find it. I do get tired of Atkin’s bars. Still,  I eat them at work quite a bit.  Again, salad for breakfast doesn’t make me happy. That’s what I had yesterday, though. At 9:45 a.m.

Tomorrow is the bake sale for Relay for Life. I volunteered to bring some goodies. I am going to make Oreos enrobed in chocolate- chip cookie dough, baked to perfection. I would also like to bring something low-carb, to introduce the possibilities to the crew- and help out any diabetics. I found a pumpkin loaf that calls for almond flour, and it looks great.

The sun is out today, and was yesterday. It’s a rare and wonderful thing here in Northern Oregon. I woke up at a leisurely 8:45 a.m. and it’s promising to be a great day, hopefully even after my work shift starts! 😉

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I Liked it When only Cons and the Military had Tattoos!

Friggin’ Tattoos Anyway

Women and tattoos.
Hate it. It’s nice that they have colors to them, now. You can have ‘pretty’ little rainbow-colored teddy bears, butterflies, flowers, and dragons in a multiplicity of designs and sizes. Whatever. Personally,  it’s too much of a commitment. It would be like having to wear the same necklace every day. Nice at first, but increasingly boring, unable to be matched with every outfit, and wearing out, turning your neck green…well, you get the point. And everyone seems to think they have to get a ‘tat’, to memorialize their children’s names and birth dates. Maybe I need  to display an  Asian symbol of happiness, or Native American fertility goddess thing. Yawn.
A proper use of tattoos would be the following, non-exhaustive list, and much more beneficial for all:
If caught in adultery, a tramp stamp of  “CHEATER!” should be applied-  ditto for anyone with STDs : “BEWARE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!!”
“Registered Sex Offender, 1998, 2000, & 2 counts in 2004”
“Warning: I am really crazy and will ruin your life!”
How about, “Only pretending to be your friend!” ?
Sadly, there’s no truth in advertising.. I prefer my skin all…skin-colored. If I ever had the whim to be design stamped, it would either need to be very temporary, or a masterpiece to rival the Mona Lisa. And it seems that everyone does it just to be like everyone else. How original is that?  But maybe I am just old-fashioned and foolish. Anyone out here that is OK with NOT having a tattoo? Oh, and – I wonder what that guys head will look like when the hair comes back in – just a little?

Atkin’s OWL Commencing, and Seducing brides-to-be!

So, here I am. My weight has settled nicely down to 135 on most days. I have decided to only weigh once per week ,because I have been driving myself crazy weighing in every day.  I know that exercise is still something I am struggling with. We all know that it takes about 3 weeks to establish or break any habit. I need to jump in and just get a regular habit of exercise established.

Meanwhile, the only real diet change I have made is a singular addition of one decadent  Rocher for dessert, because that was my Valentine’s present. ( 5 grams carb. each)  What I have learned is that, lo and behold, I really can have just one and be satisfied. That has only come as a result, however, of kicking sugar to the curb in all other aspects of my diet.

I ate a big steak tonight, with a couple of amazing, huge portabello mushrooms on top, and a dollop of sour cream. Yes, on my steak. Because I like it that way. Anyhow, I had a fabulous salad to go with, and water with lime juice and a bit of splenda. I have not had the Rocher candy, and I may not. I am satisfied. The evening is young, however.

Today was a light carb day, anyway. I don’t think I got up to my 20 grams, even, because I just didn’t want a salad at 10:30 this morning, when I had to take lunch at work. 10:30 is not lunch time for me, it’s breakfast. So, even though I had a whey protein and almond milk breakfast at 5:30 a.m.,  my lunch was eggs and sausage from the deli at work. It was delicious. So, I made sure to have plenty of salad tonight, and extra water. I had two Atkin’s bars, as well. That was it.

So, tonight, I took a cruise around freshly pressed blogs, and decided to go see what the ‘writing’ group was up to. I found some overly-dramatic poetry and writings about writings, and I yawned, or eye-rolled. Maybe both. Sorry. I am sure I don’t have a splinter of the talent that they do. Any of them. I digress.

I am a wedding officiant, and I am planning to participate in my first bridal event. I am excited. I will have a table , a lot of literature, a sign-up- for- more- info- so-I-can-call-you sheet and clipboard, and finally- a nice selection of neatly wrapped treats from some bakery I have yet to choose.  Here I am , pretty much on Carb-Anon, seducing young brides with sweets that I won’t be eating a single bite of. Is this some kind of evil?

The same situation presents itself in the form of the Relay for Life bake sale we are having at work . I’m on the team, so I have volunteered to do some baking. That is baking, and not eating. Perhaps you think I am planning to bring some little almond flour/splenda creations to the event? Ha! Not even close! I am bringing the full-on double chocolate fudge brownies with caramel swirls on top, and probably some chocolate chip cookies, to boot. Is THIS  some kind of diabolical torture to myself as well as the epitome of hypocrisy? Yes, it is! But, I play to the masses. I have become a sugar sell-out to appease the crowd. It is not my job to recruit nor to proselytize to the Atkin’s Way.  And yet, Relay for Life is about cancer prevention/cure, and a healthy lifestyle includes eating right, and ….ok, I am kidding myself. I do feel guilty about this, but I am trying to raise money for the cause. I am facing a dilemma, but I am pretty sure people are not going to buy the almond flour/splenda creation. If anyone has a really GOOD dessert that people will buy, that happens to be low-carb, please let me copy down that recipe.  I know, I can go look it up online!

Take care, everyone.

The Secret Language of Cats- Pawing mirrors and Dog Water. Response Request.

Another Day of Trying to Talk to the Humans. I wanted water, not food!!

“”Hey, how cute! What’s the kitty doing there, pawing the mirror?, I asked my husband. “Oh, that’s just Spicy. She’s been doing that forever. I don’t know why. Just being a funny cat, I guess”.

That’s what I thought. For years I believed it was just a strange mirror fetish. Today, though, I have a new theory. If I am right, we humans are even more clueless than I thought.  Imagine trying to communicate with humans, who are usually always on auto-pilot headed to the shower, the coffee pot, the laundry room, back to the television, etc., and you are a cat. You can’t do much more than meow. Your paw signals have failed to impress the people- they think you are having a seizure. Your meows get your food bowl filled, and if you do a little dance around the litter box and meow simultaneously, the humans might understand that it’s high time that mess got emptied. More than likely though, the humans will simply say , “What?! The box is right there! Use it, dumb cat, geesh.”

You see the difficulty in communicating with people , then, being a cat.

Today was another mirror pawing morning. Spice, the 28 lb. calico, is at it again. She paws the closet doors, which are completely mirrored, and this wakes me up because the doors are hanging and she’s making them rattle. So much for sleeping in. When I look at her, or her sister Sugar, they both dash off in the direction of the laundry room to let me know they are hungry, because that’s where the food is stored. So I understand, and comply. Spice-girl is not seeming interested in the food, though. She wanders about for some time, and then finally comes out to the living room where the dog water is. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but cats really hate drinking out of the disgustingly slobbery, dog-stinky water bowl. They will avoid it at all costs. But I guess I’d neglected to fill the cat water bowl, so Spice was desperate enough to drink from it.

This may be the most ridiculous theory ever, or cats are really quite smart- smarter than I thought. Could the mirror pawing – or glass pawing have anything to do with both water and glass having reflective properties and – not being able to speak – this is her way of telling me she wants water?

What do you think? Crazy? Or, just maybe on to something here?

Finding Bigfoot, Fried Cheese, and Hillbilly Handfishing

Well, there's the proof. What's all the fuss about?

Ok, you guys with the Bigfoot research. In any other world, there are several ways to track anyone or any living thing. First of all, after honing in on the general area of the potential location of your bigfoot, raccoon, deer, or person, it is customary to bring in the tracking dogs. No? You say, that won’t work? Why the heck not? Can a Basset Hound not track any living thing? You might argue that the dog doesn’t know what it’s looking for. So, ok. Let’s think of another method. Set up remote, motion activated cameras in areas of probable sightings. (infrared night vision, naturally) The animal would not be afraid to tread in your area if you’re not there. No, you might argue. The animal would ‘sense’ something was hinky. Fine. Let’s look at forensic science. You searchers have been molding footprints of “Sasquatch” for years, but did you ever think to look for feces, HAIR samples, and ground disturbances that would show activity? Speaking of footprints, they show up very nicely by any drinking hole or the bank of a river.

Here’s another clue- there are professional trackers that do a pretty good job of finding people and animals. Oh, and guess what else? Where, where, where are the bones? Oh, wait- this is good news. They brought in real Native American trackers. That’s what I am talking about!

So, between a great night alone with Bigfoot, and Hillbilly Handfishing, I decided to whip up some fried cheese. It makes a yummy ‘chip’ for salsa and sour cream, all low-carb. The problem with it was that it is almost too intense, too salty, and too filling when fried. It also stinks up the house like burnt rennet. I didn’t eat too much, but it was still too much, if you catch me.

Hillbilly Handfishing. I think it’s ridiculous. Wading around in muddy, snake-infested water to let a huge catfish grab ahold of my arm and hand? Is this my idea of a good time? Nah. Now, let me say that if I were stranded in the woods and my survival was at stake, I would be happy to let a fish halfway eat my arm, because I would completely eat it later.  All I can say is I grew up in the south, and it would take a lot of desperation to even get me into any water ever again that is basically a haven for all things dangerous and disgusting. You’ve got your water moccasins, depending on location, you’ve got rattlers in the woods on the way down to the water, and possibly coral snakes hiding in the rock crevices you might climb about or around. You quite possibly could have alligators in the water, and most assuredly snapping turtles who really like toes. Then there’s leeches. Enough. I have not focused on low-carb enough in this post.

My weight is hanging at 135 again today, and I am pleased. I will continue to move forward.

As to the meatloaf question, I am thinking of trying the low-carb baking mix as a thickener. I don’t think almond flour is the ticket with the meatloaf. The eggs were not enough without something to thicken the loaf. I need to find a good thickener that is carb-free, or nearly so. I wonder about arrowroot. Isn’t it tasteless? I might try that soon and report to everyone how that turned out.

Stupid Things and Stuff that just Doesn’t Make Sense

1) People who stand in line for 16 or more minutes to have a two- dollar or less mistake corrected on their grocery receipts. After 31 seconds, I’m personally spending more money by wasting my time in line. Let it go, and remember to pull out your coupons for the cashier next time.

2) Stupid phrases we use that are based on 19th century realities, or earlier. We still use  the horse as the standard of power and speed for our motorized vehicles, and so, ok. But I am tired of hearing “Hold your horses!” Why not, “Hold your Dodge Viper, mister” Or, “Hold your Chevy 2- ton!” ? Then there’s just dumb little phrases, and I am guilty of this one. “You BET, or You Betcha!” We all know what it means- “Yes, indeed!”, but a bet is- by nature- fraught with risk. So, in actuality, I might as well say, “Take your chances!” Then there are those things that it seems like everyone is saying at the moment- those trendy phrases championed most often first by teens and young adults that somehow sound asinine when uttered by anyone over 23. “That shit is dope, yo! ” The same goes for  anything followed up with “Yo”. Trendy phrases I am already very tired of hearing include” ridONKulous”, from Shreck, OMG, either as acronym or actually the entire spoken phrase. “Really. Really…seriously?!..” is getting old.” LOL.”  No comment required. Also, folks, quit teaching your kids that little song and dance,  “Ring around the Rosie, pocket full of posies”. We all know this is a song of warning for the plague in England way back in I -don’t-even-know when. I also have a real problem with the resurrection of trendy phrases that had just been , mercifully retired about a decade ago. I don’t want to hear a single person say “Awesome!”, “Bodacious, Boss, Killer, Gnarly, groovy, or “Dude!”. I will allow ‘cool’, because ‘cool’ is always cool.

3) People who insist on not using the exit in the line, but who instead turn to leave through the entrance when there are other people in the line that the person is forced to squeeze by and bump. Take your lazy-not-wanting-to-walk-another-20-feet ASS to the exit!

4) People who are returning an item to the store, who come to the counter after being in line for a while, but only then decide to dig through every receipt in their purses to find the ONE that is needed. Ditto for people who get to the cashier only to realize that they need to PAY for their items, as though making sure they actually have some form of payment readily available never occurred to them. “Oh, HOW much is it? Oh, hold on. Let me look in my back pocket…( 48 seconds elapse) Hmmn, I wonder where I put my debit card..( dig, dig, search, search, sigh- another minute and 12 seconds pass!).Hey, do you take rebate checks? I got this from Kellogg’s, it’s for $1.47 Ok, wait, I think I am going to have to use my change to pay for this. Is that OK?” Really? Seriously?! OMG, AWESOME (heh-heh-heh!)

Traffic slow-downs for no perceivable reason. You know the scene. Suddenly, everyone for 3 miles is heading toward the bridge entrance at a crawl, but only in the direction YOU are headed in . You look for a fire  truck, for an accident, for anything to provide an answer as to why you’re all going nowhere. You see nothing. But people are lemmings. When you finally get to the head of the line you see a SIGN that says, “men working”, but there ARE NO men working- anywhere, doing ANYTHING! Everyone just slowed down for absolutely no reason, only because of a sign. Beware of perceptions appearing as reality.

5) The annoying awkwardness of trying to create your voicemail greeting in any conceivable original way- then finally just doing what everyone else is doing anyway. “This is me. Sorry I missed your call, leave a message.” Then you realize how dull and sad you sound and try to liven it up and end up sounding instead like a mattress salesman on TV. “HI!! This is Abe! I am so SORRY I missed your call! PLEASE leave a message and I will call you back as SOON as POSSIBLE! “

WOW! Look at ME go!

6) Trendy damn food! It starts on cooking shows. For awhile, everything was all about Mango chutney. Then it was Jicama. Now, the food star is, polenta,  which is a fancy way of saying ‘grits’. But people say ‘Ew!” when you say ‘grits’, so let’s call it polenta. And by all means let’s cover that polenta in PINE NUTS.

More “Stupid things and Stuff that just doesn’t make sense” later!

If you think your Tire is Falling off…( A.K.A. I love me some Les Schwab)

So, I’m driving home tonight, “la de da”( I am singing, because I don’t have my stereo installed yet. ) and my left front tire makes this strange noise. OK, whatever. “La-de- dee, la-da-da-…, what the F@*#?” There it is. A rumble? A wobble? A definite wumble. My seriously suspicious- and rarely accurate- paranoid little voice whispers to my conscious, “Ya know what? Sounds like the damn tire is falling off, that’s what it sounds like!”  “No”, my ‘it- couldn’t- be- that- serious- you- are- overreacting- AGAIN”, little voice counters. This banter goes on for a bit and then the sound gets louder, and the suspicious voice smirks. OK, I pull over. I figure it’s a slowly leaking tire, because everyone knows that tires don’t just fall off…

It’s not going flat. I get back in and keep going. I have to pick up my mother in law who’s patiently waiting for me at the bowling alley. I keep the speed on the cautious side. Doesn’t seem too bad. I speed up to fifty. Bad idea. The noise is now accompanied by a most definite little shimmy shake that I find disturbing. I slow, and put on my hazards, then fumble around for thirty seconds trying to turn off the dome light that I managed to find to help me see the location of the hazard lights. Yeah. Anyway, I  decide I will investigate this entire phenomenon at the Deer Island store. There is light, safety from the highway, and of course- I call Captain Amazing, my husband, because he knows what is UP about cars and all other mechanical contrivances.

Captain Amazing: “OK, well pull of the highway.” Me” Yes, I am pulling into Deer Island store in just a few minutes”. Capt.” “What kind of noise is the car making?” Me: “Well, you know- the left tire started with this low rumble, then it kind of escalated into this wuddle, wuddle, wuddle, wobble- wuddle thing. Thought it was a flat, but that’s not it.” “Well, take a good look at it in the light- or when you pick up Mom, get her to look at it for you.” Me: Thinking to self only: Wow, he thinks I can’t even see if a tire is flat and that I need his mom to determine this for me. Funny… Me, aloud: Nah, I am here now. I’m going to get out and check this.” Captain: “OK, which tire is it again?” Me: Ignoring the huge urge to be sarcastic. “Uh, the left front. Hey, why is the hubcap cracked?” “Oh, don’t worry about that. I cracked it when I took it off to check the lug pattern to see if the new tires and wheels would work. ” Me; thinking to self...could this be a clue? Me, aloud: “So, you took off this tire??” “No, I didn’t. I never touched it. ” “Ok. well…” Captain AMAZING: “Go ahead and just pull it off and take a look at the lugs.” I didn’t know I could just yank it without a tool, so this really was good advice. I pulled it off and lo and behold, THREE out of five of my lug nuts were loose enough to easily turn in my hand!

First, I don’t know whether I was feeling a little bit good that I was actually right about something- but the paranoid little voice was rejoicing, practically jumping for joy and gloating like a maniac. Then I just got mad. The only people who had actually removed that tire was Les Schwab, when they did absolutely the minimum possible of an alignment last week. My steering wheel sits at one o’ clock when I am going absolutely straight, and the car still pulls to the right- but I was assured– once they had my money- that they did the best they could with these old tires of mine, and all. (after all, and by the way, we can get you some nice tires on there for only $240). Never mind the idea that maybe they could have explained to me prior to doing any work that there would not be much improvement in the alignment that I would notice until new tires were put on.  But, is that even true? That was bad enough, but now they have endangered my safety and maybe that of others but forgetting to tighten my lug nuts?? I am PISSED, livid, beyond the pale, angered, hurt, annoyed, and infuriated. That’s just a partial list. All this anger really helped me to get my tire iron out and go to town on those lug nuts. I jumped down on the tire iron to make sure they were good and as tight as I could get them. I really want Captain Amazing to use his pneumatic tool on them all tomorrow just to be sure I don’t go tripod-ing around the town anytime soon. And Les Schwab, I AM coming after you, Mister. You just wait and see.