On Helplessness

About a week ago, the Daily Post offered up a tasty, psyche-probing prompt that asked us to tell of a time we felt helpless, and what we did about it. At once my mind both embraced the idea and recoiled at it. I had at least three completely helpless times in my life, and while they are compelling stories, I suppose, they would also be hard to talk about publicly. They are personal, painful times. I survived them, through my faith, and time. Some people may not want to know about those times. I would have to be brutally honest, not embellishing for effect, nor diminishing  to reduce potential criticism. 

I am still not sure I am ready to talk about all of it. Not here. But I will say that all of these helpless moments were resolved through a combination of inner strength, and a certain grace that I credit to God. 

When my ex-husband and I divorced, it was a very painful time. It was not an amicable split. There was a lot of bitterness and pain involved. Worst of all, there were two kids involved. At a point before the divorce papers had been signed by the other party, who had been hiding from the person I had chosen to serve him with them, things took a very dark turn. 

I was at my new apartment, typing a research paper for my class. I had a midnight deadline, and was just pounding out the last few citations, when I got an overwhelming sense of doom. I had a sudden, urgent need to go to my daughter’s. They were mostly staying with their dad, convinced that life with him would be better. I still didn’t accept that. But all I knew that night is that I HAD to get over there, midnight notwithstanding. 

When I arrived, his SUV was not in sight, but every light in the house was on. As I approached the door, I could see my daughter’s backpacks on the floor, through the wooden and glass door. I thought I heard their voices. I began to knock and call out their names. It got very quiet. I continued to knock. No answer, but I felt that someone must be there. I got frustrated and anxious and tried to open the door. There had never been a top lock on the door. The knob turned, but someone had nailed the door shut from the inside on a metal hasp that was attached to the door but had no matching lock to go with it. The door opened 1/4 inch, so I could see that.  This just really mystified me and got me pissed. I went around to the side door. Nobody had thought to lock it. 

Now, my ex had told me about a week prior that he was taking the girls to Alabama for a ‘vacation’ at his parent’s. School was out for summer break, so I was OK with that, but a bit leery. I had a feeling he may take most of the summer with them. They would be 3,200 miles away. When I opened the door, what I saw were filled and half-filled boxes, messes everywhere, and there were photos and pictures pulled off of walls and stacked,. I also saw clothes on hangers lying on the sofa. My mouth dropped open. I was shocked. This was not a vacation! You do not pack boxes and pull portraits off walls for a vacation. I looked all around, calling out my girl’s names at the top of my lungs. I went upstairs. No sign of them. I began to think they had gone to the store with their dad. It was not uncommon for them to be out and about this late in the summer. My heart was pounding. He was planning on moving! I hadn’t served him papers yet, and he was planning on running off with the girls- for what looked like permanently.

I was beyond panic-stricken. I was nearly hysterical. I decided to just wait outside the house until they returned. They could not be far away, I reasoned. I had to talk to them. 

In a few minutes, I saw my ex’s SUV cruising slowly up the street. I could see it was packed full of stuff. He pulled up to the curb, and I was able to confront him. He had made the kids hide in the upstairs bathroom, I found out later.  He had been slowly loading up the car, and  had parked down the street, to avoid me or process servers! He lied to me and told me they were spending the night at their cousin’s. It turned out to be a very long, horrible night. I ended up agreeing to marriage counseling because I begged and pleaded with him not to take the girls away. I would have agreed to anything to keep him from taking my daughters ! I had no intention of reconciling with this snake, but I was able to charm him into believing I would go to counseling. I made good on my word, though. A few months later, I did go to one counseling session, where I proceeded to call him out in front of the counselor, and tell him exactly why I had agreed to the counseling, and that I had no intention of continuing our marriage! By making that ‘deal’, I secured my kids for a few months, and was able to get him served. 

He ended up taking them there again under the pretense of a vacation, but then enrolled them into school there! That was the third most helpless feeling  of my life. He had prepared a loophole in the divorce decree that stated he could move ( if it furthered his career) over sixty miles away. He had actually been granted custody of our children! My older daughter was brought to the courtroom after we had agreed neither would be there. He had talked my older daughter into believing that he was going pave her future in gold.  I had been made out as the family-breaking villain who ‘left the family’. Nothing was further from the truth. He had representation, and his brother was there with him- the brother who knew better than anyone what this man was like, and who had agreed with me-  but in the end, proved the axiom that blood is thicker than water. The day I lost custody, a part of me completely died. This was, without a doubt, the most helpless feeling in my whole life. I couldn’t comprehend how the fickle opinion of my 13 year old swayed the judge. I couldn’t explain, out of fear and shock, why I wouldn’t tell every dirty laundry detail of what he was like aloud in court. I was not a druggie, alcoholic, or child abuser. I was scared, and helpless. I had no lawyer, and not one friend, not one- came to stand by me in court. 

Years have passed, and the girls have learned a lot about their dad, and his empty promises. We have re-established a relationship that is much better now than the horrible one we had right after the divorce. At that time, it didn’t matter to them that I was ‘right’, or “justified”. They had believed the lie that I left THEM, not their dad. Despite my continual efforts to be with them, they often turned me down and chose not to be with me, parenting plan or not. I was too weak then to stand up for my rights, because I was scared. I was scared of him, and scared of pushing my kids away even more. That time was hell. Writing about it here has brought up a lot of old emotions I never want to feel again. Helplessness. Betrayal. Being misunderstood. I would love to tell you that everything has turned out great. I will say they have turned out well, but I will never get back the time I missed in their lives. I will never know the pain they felt, lying alone in bed at night, wondering why ” I left”. But I imagine it was a lot like my pain. I will never understand why they chose him over me, and why they alienated themselves from me. I ached and writhed in misery missing them so much. I went through a very early empty nest syndrome, and to this day, I am not quite sure how to be- my kids live together now, ages 19 and almost 18. They are both working, and pretty independent. I still get to help my younger daughter a lot, though, and I am very proud of the young women they are becoming. My older daughter is a successful composer, musician, and chef. My younger daughter has a huge heart, and is brilliant, sensitive, and adorable. She could sell air conditioning to Eskimos.  I know they love me, and they know I love them. Their dad is still jobless,  unhealthy, extremely overweight, and  basically sad and unhappy. This gives me no happiness, but allows me to see that his condition was never my fault- though I was made to feel everything was always ‘my fault’. 

So, I am happy, healthy, and loved today. I have a wonderful husband, and beautiful life. I have a good relationship with my daughters, and I have survived- thrived. Though he tried to crush me, and bury me, and almost succeeded, God managed to make something good out of the mess we created. 

 

 

Advertisements

Detox Tea Wisdom

Today my husband and I were driving along, listening to Jack Canfield on audio-book. He always has some great wisdom to impart; specific to his underlying theme at all times is this concept of how everything we do or don’t do has lead up to the life we are now living. We have to take responsibility for all of our choices, and stop blaming outside events or circumstances for the things in our lives we don’t like. I noticed that he didn’t touch on things like catastrophe- hurricanes, or cancer, for example. I don’t suppose he would say we should take responsibility for those things happening to us- but rather, in how we choose to respond to these kinds of life events. Then Jack, or his narrator I suppose, began speaking about our life’s purpose, and finding what we truly love to do. Then we are to focus on that, envision it constantly- want it more than anything- if we hope to achieve it. He talked about a great first step in figuring out what we want, what our life dream truly is, is to start making small choices and preferences- no matter how small they may seem, and not dismissing them as if they are too trivial to matter. I realized that while I love many things in the career/hobby/passion realm, writing and speaking are probably my favorites. I also enjoy championing the rights and causes of the mistreated. If I REALLY wanted to make these things the focus of my life’s work, I should be spending my time and energy making and working toward goals that are aligned with my ‘purpose’. I thought about that a lot today. Later, after getting a Christmas tree for my mom, decorating it, and coming home, I decided to have some Detox tea. I haven’t been feeling too well the past couple of days, and figured the vodka might have been the culprit, or too much nicotine gum. Who knows? At any rate, right on the teabag tag was the answer to life, the universe, and everything. “We are here to love each other, support each other, and lift each other up.” I mean, if you needed a life purpose, could there be one greater? No.

Is it always easy to do this? No. Like our bodies, our minds need a good detox. All the negativity that bombards us daily needs to be counteracted by focusing on what is true, what is right, what is beautiful, and good. A lot of this negativity stems from our own minds. We think and speak ugly things about ourselves and others too often. We assume the worst, we call drivers behaving badly some really foul names…;) You get the idea. And many of us don’t do that to others, because we’ve been taught that it’s wrong, but rather we    blast ourselves. Our brains, given enough of that negative self-blather, will start to believe it and expect it. “I never win anything”. “I can never find a good parking place”. ” I always get the shitty assignments at work”. “My boss has it out for me”, “I’m not smart enough to tackle biology- not at my age especially”. This list goes on and on, and the amazing part of it is, we would never think to talk to a friend or loved one that way. Why is it OK to talk to ourselves that way?

Today’s challenge: Treat yourself, both externally and internally, at least as good as you would your elderly mom, your best friend, or your boss. YOU are the one who has to wake up with YOU every morning. Every time you hear a negative thought creep up about yourself, consciously stop it and replace it with something positive. ” Biology might be tough, but it will feel great when I get through this class! I can study very hard, get help from    a friend or tutor, and pace myself. This gets me so much closer to my goal of becoming a nurse- I can do this!” I have no desire to be nurse, of course, this is just an example.

So before we can really become great at uplifting others, we need to shut down the slam recordings in our minds about ourselves.

It’s difficult to give support and love to others when we feel, on any level, that we don’t have much to give.

So be good to yourself today, and expect the best!

Do You feel Lucky, Punk? Well, Do Ya?

Maybe I was feeling lucky. I decided at the last minute to have whatever I wanted at Thanksgiving. So, on Thursday, I ate very little for the early part of the day, and did exactly that. I ate turkey, cranberry sauce, a roll, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, and pie. Yes, I did. I enjoyed it all. I gained no overnight pounds, and my pants were not immediately tight. I felt no urges to eat more carb-laden food, and I am still not up in weight over Thursday. Today, we had our traditional Saturday Thanksgiving ,which is about food, family, friends, and football. I ate low-carb, but did have two bites of pie, just to taste test it. I was not out of control, and while I did eat a few spoons of whipped topping, I was fine with just meat and veggies tonight. My splurge was three beers, though. Still, overall it was a low-eating, low carb day. I suppose I had about 50 grams today, because of the beer, maybe even 60. I usually worry about anything over 35. I have been waking up every day at 126, though. I had gotten down to 123, but at that point, my face was looking haggard, and I tired of the comments from family that I was ‘withering away’, a complete untruth, I might add. 123 is by no means withering away or even ‘skinny’; not for my height . I have done this before, like on my birthday, and HAVE seen an instant weight gain, so I am not sure what happened this time. Was is purely luck? Was it the ratio of protein to carbs? On my birthday, I ate more carbohydrate than protein, and on Thanksgiving, I simply tacked it on during one meal. I am not sure what the magic combination is. Maybe calories really do play a role, so that eating low carb and keeping calories to a certain range, over a time span of several weeks or months, is the key to maintaining goal weight. I can tell you that in low-carb, I have noticed the same thing that LCC noted- you can gain very quickly but also lose it very quickly if you get back on track in the next day. It is a relief to know that I can celebrate with food, if I keep it to a once or twice-per-month at most splurge. I don’t feel that I need to plan special splurge days, though. I am happy with my low-carb, low sugar plan on the daily.
It will be a surprise if I  find that I am heavier tomorrow. I will be sure to report it, and how I got it back off, if that happens. It IS true that I am up from 123 to 126, but this is an acceptable gain for me. I am really not feeling off track.
LCC IS right. I feel like I am NOT the same person I was in terms of food. I have converted my taste buds and preferences to the low- carb lifestyle. I would tell anyone that If you are just getting started with Atkin’s or Paleo, that if you can make it with strict diligence past the first three months, you will find it to be much easier to stick with it. Remember that the salads and other leafy green, red, and yellow vegetables are great for you, and that it’s not all about steaks and butter. Strawberries taste really sweet when you’re not used to Snicker bars and Twinkies. (oops- speaking of the dead is not polite I guess).
So, another holiday of eating has come and gone, and I survived intact. I haven’t even made it to the gym this week, but I feel that I want to, and that I should.

For those who are struggling, here’s what I want to tell you:

When you stop living for food and the experience of pleasure and comfort it temporarily gives you, you gain a new freedom. You start enjoying living more- relationships with people become more important than the one with food. Hobbies and interests can develop when you’re not hiding behind a plate of pasta.

When you push away the comforts and false sense of well-being that food can give, you may find the issues that may have contributed to your overeating rising back to the surface. Like an addict, you may find the urges to eat it all away come surging back. The important part is to recognize the issues, and to start dealing with them. Write the letter, go to counseling, talk to a trusted confidant. Do whatever it takes to get to the root of the problem. This is the same advice one might give an addict to any substance or habit. Some people are overweight because they just ate a little too much over a long period of time. Others are overweight because they use food to stuff down fears, painful emotions, and unresolved issues. So, what’s your reason for being overweight, or trying to lose weight?

Life is a journey of growth and discovery. It is when we are challenged the most and somehow learn to overcome, that we grow in the most profound ways. Having said that, I have to learn to follow my own advice.

My challenge right now is nicotine gum. I have gone from a smoker to a chewer. While the lung damage has most certainly been halted, the addiction remains, as I am so painfully reminded whenever I run out. Would I suddenly crave sweets again like mad if I gave up the gum? If so, it simply means I have given up one addiction for another. One demon to replace another demon is not the same as overcoming the demon. So, perhaps I have chosen the lesser of two evils, but am I truly free? What are the issues that I am running from, or is it simply a physical need at this point? Am I ready to give up all my false comforts? What will it take to get me to go there?

LCC is Right- and also Not Correct- about Low-Carb Cheat Days

Low-Carb-Confidential posted a very moving quote (from himself? A famous author? I don’t know) that spoke a lot of wisdom in regard to relationships. I have been pondering it, with gratitude.

As to the eating of high-carb foods and the theory that it’s OK to splurge and then come back to low-carb, I both agree and disagree. I agree that a religious OCD mentality about dieting is not only unhealthy but also impossible to maintain long term. It can alienate those who feel insecure about their own eating habits, and confound those who eat normal diets, complete with all types of carbohydrates, who maintain their weight.

Where I disagree with ‘a little won’t hurt’, is where some addiction theory begins. As I have referenced in my previous posts, there is increasing science to support the idea that certain foods trigger unnatural eating behavior in some people. (Watch Super Size Me for another supporting theory). There are certain foods that have been especially crafted to cause us to crave them. Others just do so not so much by clever conspiracy, but rather chemical makeup.

For those of us who are unaware, or prone to addictive tendencies, food is a powerful force that goes beyond simple enjoyable nutrition, but becomes a genuine addiction, but it is rarely acknowledged as such. Changing one’s diet and exercise regimen  might be the catalyst for weight loss, but if it is so easy, why does America alone spend over 33 billion dollars a year on weight loss products and services? (MSN.com)

The answer is simple. Many of us simply need to cut down on portions. Many more simply need to make a few small changes to the daily routine, and add a little regular exercise. Then there are those of us with a unhealthy relationship with food. Some might call it gluttony, idolatry, addiction, or abuse. It is when we have let our appetite for the feelings that certain foods or eating patterns bring us control our behavior. It is no more amusing, nor less dangerous, than an alcoholic’s dilemma. We already are aware of what America’s increasing love affair with food is doing to our health- both emotionally and physically.

Just as the recovered alcoholic need not usually be too careful with the dash of cooking wine in food, or the accidental ingestion of alcohol- if that could ever really happen- the sugar addict need not worry much about the hidden sugar they accidentally ingested in some food they thought sugar-free, or the one bite of cracker. But to boldly walk into the proverbial lion’s den and purposely choose those old favorite treats to eat with abandon might be for many, akin to the recovered alcoholic going to the bar for ‘just one margarita” . Some people can, perhaps go back to a life of moderation, still enjoying treats as exactly that- treats. But there may be some of us who can never ‘go back’. So, as I contemplate my birthday, I anticipate one of the following possibilities. First, I will eat what I want, not gain weight for a one-day splurge, and feel confident. I will continue to want the pizza and chocolate, and my healthy fear will be diminished. Perhaps the next splurge will be that much easier…and I begin the slide down the slippery slope. The next possibility is that I enjoy my birthday treat, laugh, love, and be merry, and go right back to low-carb the next day, none the worse for wear.

I know myself. And instead of dinking around and playing with the fat-burning furnace I worked so hard to create, I’ve decided to keep the splurge to a modest enjoyment- I will eat a few of my favorite things, but I will not focus on food for my birthday, as if it is a reward for ‘good behavior’. I am living the reward, and the nay-sayers, like some of my family, be damned. I mean that with love, of course.

Dream Scapes- a new Blog Dedicated to the Pursuit of Deciphering and Understanding Dreams

I have long been fascinated by dreams. The idea that they might mean something, and affect our lives- not simply reflect our lives, is not a new concept. It is a concept, however, that I feel should be delved into more deeply.

From Freud to Jeanne Dixon, people have been telling us that our dreams mean something. You can take a completely scientific approach to decoding messages in dreams, or you can lean toward the more prophetic, or supernatural theories. Finally, you might chalk them all up to random brain activity. Perhaps the brain gets bored while we sleep, and needs to process the happenings of the day as it sees fit.

I believe there are many types of dreams. There are the crazy dreams. You dream you are flying over Manhattan like Superman, and your boss has your mom’s face, and a three-eyed dog yells at you in the elevator. When you wake from this type of dream, you usually feel amused, or confused. You might tell someone, “Wow, I had the weirdest dream last night!” I am not sure that this type of dream can always be interpreted. I think of these as mental graffiti, or the brain might be starved for more creative expression.

Then there’s the dream that seems to be trying to tell you something that you need to do, or figure out, in the waking world. An anonymous source confided in me that she dreamed that older men in her life, which had been pursuing her romantically, were trying to molest or rape her , and as she dashes into a random house to be safe, her dad is at the top of the stairs. She was able to put together a theory that others already had- but that she could not accept- that authority and ‘daddy issues’ truly were at the root of her real-life struggles with feeling attracted to inappropriately older men. I think she was able to see the truth that she already knew. The dream made the truth easier to accept than hearing it from someone else.  After all, it came from her own mind.

It could be argued that the dreams come from and  speak to our subconscious, the place where our true nature and motivation lies. Hypnotists tap into the subconscious to help people make positive changes in their lives (or dance like chickens while ‘smelling’ popcorn). So, the question I would like to answer begins with an attempt to understand the importance of the subconscious and dreams. Lucid dreaming, the concept of controlling the direction of our dreams, is another topic we will delve into. Finally, what about all the dreams we have that we don’t remember? Are those also  affecting us in our daily lives? I can recall waking up feeling quite disturbed on many occasions, with a dream fleeting from me faster than I could get out of the bed. All the same, I knew I’d had some sort of nightmare or disturbing dream. You shake it off, and go on with your day, but how much do these dreams affect us?

My favorite dream: The prophetic dream. A relative of my ex-husband’s died. His grandmother. We had never met. I dreamed that I walked into a house from a sliding glass door, that the bedroom was in the back, and on my right, against the wall, was the bed. Someone elderly with pure white hair peeked from under the covers and told me that she was alright, and that everything was going to be OK. I got the impression so strongly that it was my grandma, but I didn’t recognize the lady in my dream. I just figured it was a weird dream. Often, the main point of a dream will be accurate to reality, but the details get skewed. That’s normal for me.

I was so worried, though, that I called my mom in Florida to check on my grandma. She was fine. I told my then-boyfriend, now ex-husband, all about the dream. He got very interested when I described the house, and the white-haired lady. His eyes grew big. Turns out his grandparent lived on the lake, with a glass-sliding door as the main entrance. The bedroom was in the back, the bed up against the back wall, and her hair was pure snow-white. His mom called an hour later to tell him that his grandma had just passed on. I never met her, had never seen her picture, and I hadn’t learned much about her yet from my boyfriend at the time. So, I believe there is a supernatural possibility to dreams. Being in a completely relaxed, unguarded state may be what we need to hear communications we would normally not be able to.

Nightmares and Warning Dreams: Not anyone’s favorite. These tap into fears, causing a traumatic event to be replayed, over and over. Sometimes the details change, but the fear can be all-consuming.  Theories that I would like to prove or disprove include the idea that children have nightmares more often than adults because they do not have the ability yet to step outside of the dream, and get out of it. ( Lucid dreaming) and that the recurring nightmare is a clear signal that we still need healing from the past traumatic event if we want to get rid of the nightmares. Warning dreams are different , though. If you dream that there will be a terrorist bomb in a cafe in Europe you are planning to visit on vacation soon, maybe you should heed the warning and make other plans. Ditto for crumbling bridges and crashing airplanes. Sometimes it’s just fear, but sometimes it could truly be a warning we should not ignore.  I will bring stories of warning dreams that came true. I will let you be the judge of  the integrity of the tales.

I plan to do a lot of research for the Dream Scapes posts, and will do my best to properly APA cite it all. If you wish to share your dream stories, please do so. Let me know if I would have permission to quote you, or refer to your story. Thank you!

Size Four?? Are you KIDDING me!?

OK, as far as I know, I have never fit into a size four pant, ever. Not even when I got down to a stressed-out 118 pounds. I am not sure how this can be possible, that at 124, I am wearing a four. Granted, 4 is snug, so really- five would probably be perfect. Again, I’ve never worn a size five, either. My guess is that, over the years, the sizing guides by designers have been adjusted to feed our egos and make our ever-fattening population feel better about our sizes. Be that as it may, this feels really good!

I remember, a year and a half ago, trying pairs of pants on, and having to finally get a few pairs of size 13. That’s the biggest my arse has ever been. I gain disproportionate to my weight, anyway. I was 142 pounds, needing a size 13. You might think that 140-142 doesn’t sound so bad.  I am only 5′ 4″, with a fairly small frame, and twenty pounds for me is a big deal. Somehow, it all goes to my ass and hips, and upper thighs.

So, here is victory, then. I eat much closer to nature now. I focus on protein, fiber, and vegetables. I don’t fight cravings, and when I do crave, I can find low-carb, satisfying foods to curb that craving. I still miss certain foods, but avoid them if I know I can’t just take A BITE or two.

Down sides? Maybe a couple of minor surprises. Losing weight does not eliminate all body issues. Saggy lower ab skin from being over 40 and having gained and lost weight doesn’t just vanish. Stretch marks may become more pronounced. My always small breasts  shrunk with weight loss and so look like little droops on my chest unless I am cold. Before you say, “Wah, I weight over 200 or 300 or 400 pounds, shut up”, I will tell you – OK, you have a valid point. All I am saying is be prepared for the fact that there are many great feeling moments that come with weight loss, but anything ‘negative’ cosmetically about your body that is not weight related does not magically disappear. I have a smaller butt, but it’s still not dimple-free. I am smaller, but still have areas that need toning. My muscle mass is going down as I age, and I will have to work much harder to maintain a decent shape, and not just become a skinny person with that shapeless older-person’s body. Focusing on health and how I FEEL is more important than how I look. Nobody stays young and cute forever. You can be old and cute, though. 🙂 I have a few more years. I Haven’t even hit peri-menopause yet.

But to tell the truth, none of it can MAKE me happy. I have to be happy wherever I am at, realizing that waiting to be happy ‘when I ”…or “If I’ is a tragic delusion. The best part of weight loss for me has not been how I look, but about fitness, and being able to move. Most of all, it’s been about winning. Being triumphant over one of my most persistent addictions- sugar- feels the most amazing, above all! Finally, will I still be a size four in a year? Five? Will I one day say, “Screw low-carb, I must have Oreos?” I hope not, but who can say? Image

Realize, as you lose weight, that it can’t be your whole life. There’s so much more to do and to be about. Thank you for reading. This is me, above, with my stepdaughter. This was almost two years ago, and I am in a size 10-12 pant here. Image

This is me, with my husband and family a month ago, nearly 20 lbs later, all from low-carb. I have lost fat, and toned muscle. I have some more fitness to go, but are we ever really finished?

Trust and Love

This week it has been a struggle to believe that the people in my life who always act and behave as though they love me really do. I get this little voice in my head. It’s paranoid, insecure, and distrustful. I hate it. It’s the part of me that comes out to play during PMS week, under stress, and when I feel scared. No true evidence exists, and never does. Paranoia never needs evidence. Such is it’s nature. This passes, my mood will elevate, then something will set it off again. It compounds and escalates. If I am already brewing on some imaginary evils aimed toward me, believing ‘supporting’ ‘facts’ only deepens my conviction that there is indeed secret thoughts and feelings toward me which are negative. I start believing that I am not loved, wanted or needed. I hate this. It’s not about strangers and governmental conspiracy theories. It’s always about those closest to me. I don’t know why this happens, and I don’t know what to do about it, other than to continually fight these wrong, negative lies that my own insecure mind shoots up like stinking, thorny weeds. In my heart, you see, I know that I am loved. But the more I let these negative thoughts intrude, the more that could truly become more real. How comfortable can it be to live with me if I continually question the feelings and intentions of those who do truly love me and who I love? It must be hurtful. Combined with these feelings are the inherent traits of Scorpio jealousy and possessiveness- more insecure and unbecoming qualities. So I suffer with these things, and try not to make anyone else suffer. Meanwhile, I am lonely. I’ve never felt so ‘not a mom’ anymore. My kids have grown, and I miss them so much. Does anyone else relate to any of this? What do you think?