Trust and Love


This week it has been a struggle to believe that the people in my life who always act and behave as though they love me really do. I get this little voice in my head. It’s paranoid, insecure, and distrustful. I hate it. It’s the part of me that comes out to play during PMS week, under stress, and when I feel scared. No true evidence exists, and never does. Paranoia never needs evidence. Such is it’s nature. This passes, my mood will elevate, then something will set it off again. It compounds and escalates. If I am already brewing on some imaginary evils aimed toward me, believing ‘supporting’ ‘facts’ only deepens my conviction that there is indeed secret thoughts and feelings toward me which are negative. I start believing that I am not loved, wanted or needed. I hate this. It’s not about strangers and governmental conspiracy theories. It’s always about those closest to me. I don’t know why this happens, and I don’t know what to do about it, other than to continually fight these wrong, negative lies that my own insecure mind shoots up like stinking, thorny weeds. In my heart, you see, I know that I am loved. But the more I let these negative thoughts intrude, the more that could truly become more real. How comfortable can it be to live with me if I continually question the feelings and intentions of those who do truly love me and who I love? It must be hurtful. Combined with these feelings are the inherent traits of Scorpio jealousy and possessiveness- more insecure and unbecoming qualities. So I suffer with these things, and try not to make anyone else suffer. Meanwhile, I am lonely. I’ve never felt so ‘not a mom’ anymore. My kids have grown, and I miss them so much. Does anyone else relate to any of this? What do you think?

Don't Keep Your Silence!

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