1) People who stand in line for 16 or more minutes to have a two- dollar or less mistake corrected on their grocery receipts. After 31 seconds, I’m personally spending more money by wasting my time in line. Let it go, and remember to pull out your coupons for the cashier next time.
2) Stupid phrases we use that are based on 19th century realities, or earlier. We still use the horse as the standard of power and speed for our motorized vehicles, and so, ok. But I am tired of hearing “Hold your horses!” Why not, “Hold your Dodge Viper, mister” Or, “Hold your Chevy 2- ton!” ? Then there’s just dumb little phrases, and I am guilty of this one. “You BET, or You Betcha!” We all know what it means- “Yes, indeed!”, but a bet is- by nature- fraught with risk. So, in actuality, I might as well say, “Take your chances!” Then there are those things that it seems like everyone is saying at the moment- those trendy phrases championed most often first by teens and young adults that somehow sound asinine when uttered by anyone over 23. “That shit is dope, yo! ” The same goes for anything followed up with “Yo”. Trendy phrases I am already very tired of hearing include” ridONKulous”, from Shreck, OMG, either as acronym or actually the entire spoken phrase. “Really. Really…seriously?!..” is getting old.” LOL.” No comment required. Also, folks, quit teaching your kids that little song and dance, “Ring around the Rosie, pocket full of posies”. We all know this is a song of warning for the plague in England way back in I -don’t-even-know when. I also have a real problem with the resurrection of trendy phrases that had just been , mercifully retired about a decade ago. I don’t want to hear a single person say “Awesome!”, “Bodacious, Boss, Killer, Gnarly, groovy, or “Dude!”. I will allow ‘cool’, because ‘cool’ is always cool.
3) People who insist on not using the exit in the line, but who instead turn to leave through the entrance when there are other people in the line that the person is forced to squeeze by and bump. Take your lazy-not-wanting-to-walk-another-20-feet ASS to the exit!
4) People who are returning an item to the store, who come to the counter after being in line for a while, but only then decide to dig through every receipt in their purses to find the ONE that is needed. Ditto for people who get to the cashier only to realize that they need to PAY for their items, as though making sure they actually have some form of payment readily available never occurred to them. “Oh, HOW much is it? Oh, hold on. Let me look in my back pocket…( 48 seconds elapse) Hmmn, I wonder where I put my debit card..( dig, dig, search, search, sigh- another minute and 12 seconds pass!).Hey, do you take rebate checks? I got this from Kellogg’s, it’s for $1.47 Ok, wait, I think I am going to have to use my change to pay for this. Is that OK?” Really? Seriously?! OMG, AWESOME (heh-heh-heh!)
Traffic slow-downs for no perceivable reason. You know the scene. Suddenly, everyone for 3 miles is heading toward the bridge entrance at a crawl, but only in the direction YOU are headed in . You look for a fire truck, for an accident, for anything to provide an answer as to why you’re all going nowhere. You see nothing. But people are lemmings. When you finally get to the head of the line you see a SIGN that says, “men working”, but there ARE NO men working- anywhere, doing ANYTHING! Everyone just slowed down for absolutely no reason, only because of a sign. Beware of perceptions appearing as reality.
5) The annoying awkwardness of trying to create your voicemail greeting in any conceivable original way- then finally just doing what everyone else is doing anyway. “This is me. Sorry I missed your call, leave a message.” Then you realize how dull and sad you sound and try to liven it up and end up sounding instead like a mattress salesman on TV. “HI!! This is Abe! I am so SORRY I missed your call! PLEASE leave a message and I will call you back as SOON as POSSIBLE! “
WOW! Look at ME go!
6) Trendy damn food! It starts on cooking shows. For awhile, everything was all about Mango chutney. Then it was Jicama. Now, the food star is, polenta, which is a fancy way of saying ‘grits’. But people say ‘Ew!” when you say ‘grits’, so let’s call it polenta. And by all means let’s cover that polenta in PINE NUTS.
More “Stupid things and Stuff that just doesn’t make sense” later!